Diets undertaken 2011 :  Low fat, No carbs, Slimfast, Hungerstrike & just Wine.

Diets that worked 2011 : 0

Diets enjoyed 2011 : Like you have to ask.

Cheese Situation: Worrying.

Stalkers: 1.2

Boyfriends : 1

So here I am again, oh the joy of blogging on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I am actually lying about the sun but it is definitely Sunday as I am still in pajamas with wine in hand and a few nibbles on the side (cheesy not the male kind).Yet again its been a while since my last blog – my life is just so crazy – Hmmm so anyway…..

Still not much has changed, hopefully one day it will and I will be dictating a blog to my ‘man that does stuff’….Ok so although I am quite an optimist I do think I may have my sights set a little high on that one so may have to lower the bar on my future prospects and will make do with writing my blog myself while being fanned and fed grapes by my ‘man that does stuff’. (ahhh she goes all dreamy)

Dieting is still part of my life but nothing really works except stress which is fine at the time but then when the stress is over I tend to eat to celebrate – mainly cheese.   I did have an exercise ball for my birthday (its blue) which resides in my lounge and when not being used as a footstool by daughter and I has proved to be a very good aid to achieving a six pack – not that I have quite achieved it yet but again I remain optimistic as the signs are there. I could be an olympic situpper the way its going. Daughter is a good motivator when trying to lose weight – she is continuously in my wardrobe and quite often mutters the words ‘why can’t you be a size 8 mom’ – its funny cus I say the exact same thing to myself…why oh why oh why – although I am sobbing when I say it!

So yes daughter is still stealing makeup and now clothes and I do wonder how far I would get if I reported her to the police – thinking about it I will consult a solicitor and see where I stand legally on such matters – failing that I will invest in some padlocks maybe – ahem for my wardrobe that is not for daughter – I am sure locking her up is illegal – is it? – I will check on that  as it’s an option that makes me smile . She has progressed a little since my last blog and has found a Saturday job – I am looking forward to her replenishing my makeup supplies with her first wage packet! (Note to self – buy padlocks).

A new car is on the horizon thanks to my darling son – although either the pictures he has sent me are of poor quality or the windows look a little dark and I wonder if he is steering me into a world of drug dealing or I am going to be on a future showing of pimp my ride… I need to sort out some serious tunes and some big badass bling maybe… I have learnt a bit of vocab from daughter’s text so I think I am seriously gonna fit in with my Kidderminster homies – SAFE so watch this space you may see me cruising with my crew very soon…

I just walked up my stairs to shout at daughter in the bath as her music was so loud Kate and William would have heard it tonight and I was thinking for fluff sake what would ‘The Royals’ think of  us ‘Washbrook Girls’ polluting the air for a 500 mile radius with the tragic ear hurting music that was shaking my House, Street, Kidderminster and yes the whole of England….just before their big day…how thoughtless and so common of us!

I got half way up the stairs to give her a piece of what is left of my mind and the ear hurting stopped.. ‘Adele’ came on ….’Someone like you’….so I sat on top step with my cup of tea (aka glass of Pinot) and thought ahhhhhhhhh bless her and listened to it all peaceful…she had it on repeat so I listened to it again…and again….Then I  noticed she had an extension running into the Bathroom for her Ipod thingy whatever and thought OMG is she stupid, she is obviously completely mad and wants to kill herself with electricity….and then I listened to it two more times…such a nice song…my favorite and quite obviously hers in a life or death situation.

BUT after Oh Oh Oh oh OH oh oh oh oh OH OH  didn’t I give her a full blown detailed lecture on the dangers and consequences of playing rubbish music so loud while in the bath just before a Royal Wedding…CRAZY GIRL!!!!

Diets 2011 lasting more than 12 hours : 1

Current Diet Start time : 12 hours ago.

Weight Situation : I have thin toes?

Mental State : Ask my Therapist (and book me in as he won’t take my calls)

Daily Cheese Consumption : On the Wagon

Daily Chocolate consumption : That Wagon melted.

Boyfriends : 1 (Not yet institutionalised)

So here I am third blog of the year, I’m on a roll or maybe just a little lazy! Not much has really changed in the last few months..I am still a little mental but I am a consistent mental and I think consistency is always a good thing.  A stable consistent mental person…I am content with this and so are the voices in my head.

So as most of you know I start a diet most days and fail by lunchtime….but I do start again the next morning so I may be a failure on a daily basis but I am also a tryer and a perserverer – hmm that kinda doesn’t look like a word but I am mental (consistently) so I can make words up – Yay! Today I have gone the whole day and actually included some exercise… wears me out just saying the word. I did 3 workouts on the stepper although the first workout was bringing it up from the cellar…second was a 9 minute step which was followed by a 20 minute lie down and an oxygen mask and finally tonight I completed a whole 14 mins…23 mins of exercise in one day..I’m not sure I will be ready for the 2012 olympics which is a bit disappointing but I am going to try properly with this diet – I realised yesterday things had got to change when I was trying to dip my toasted soldiers into my chocolate creme egg….

My boyfriend is still on the scene – I know I can’t believe it either although  I think he is working undercover and is gathering evidence to have me committed, my next blog may be written from my padded cell …so I probably won’t have a great deal to say and anything  I do say will be crazy mental stuff that doesn’t make sense and is just complete and utter nonsense….OH……….. Anyway he had his new car the other week – its nice, it has big wheels and its black ..it’s a Quish Quosh – I’m not 100% that’s its official name but I think it sounds similar! Apparently he decided to go for gadgets rather than power when he was choosing what to have….it has a big sunroof…….he also bought my attention to his ‘rear camera’ which I think is more a ‘male parking aid’ rather than a ‘gadget’ but anyway its a nice car – did I mention it has big wheels! Maybe he is gonna surprise me with the proper gadgets next time I am in it as I was thinking more James Bond style stuff like retractable tyre slashers, revolving number plates,  oil slick ejectors, hidden rocket firing systems or a full underwater kit for when we go to Weston for the day…. I live in hope.

Daughter is still my daughter…I have finally accepted I have to accept this. Sigh. Make up sales have decreased and fake tan sales seem to be on the up – I think she needs another 25 years experience in application before I will be seen with her the day after application – she did venture out the other day to meet friends with what I could only describe as a beard and moustache – I do try to emphasise the fact she does need to wash the residue off but it seems she knows better…I think her facebook friends probably halved that day. Son moved into his own house a month back so was very proud of him…he’s got it looking really cool…he did have a sofa delivered a few weeks back that he did measure wrong and maybe underestimated the size of it..he had to remove the front window to get it in the house and now they are trapped – I do go and visit, well when I say visit I stand outside and wave at them through the window – when Tesco deliver it takes ages to post it all through the letterbox..it just goes to show a man just can’t use a tape measure!!!

I am loving the weather at the moment and the BBQ’s that it is bringing – I love to burn stuff (don’t tell my therapist if you ever get through). I do need a new BBQ tho as mine has seen better days and unlike me is very unstable – its more like a ‘Rocking Barbie’ and not in the Ken getting  jiggy with his girlfriend kinda way…we were lucky at the weekend our meat didn’t end up in the flower bed although I did throw a couple of sausages at one of my guests – I think I need to practise a bit more with my BBQ tong things – I could have caused some serious damage  with my flying sausages!

I have a story to tell about turning my hair ginger but I will save it for another day…I am sure you have had enough of my high flying living on the edge stories for today plus I need to go and eat some lettuce or something….

Ciao for now!!

Weight Lost : I don’t wanna talk about it

Weight Gained : I really don’t wanna talk about it

Will Power : -2

Current state : Sober

Boyfriends : Still 1

My second blog of 2011…so how is my year so far…I am broke so need a better job and unable to diet. So I decided to concentrate on the things I am good at…I am very good at eating and wish I could find a job that could incorporate this skill…I may google it later. I am in the process of preparing my CV…I have made a good a start..I have written the word CV at the top and got as far as my name. It’s a little worrying as I am in my 41st year and my skills seem limited or just don’t shout out high-powered business woman but I am going to try to better myself  so a new job may be a good start. I have found one that interests me so I will be applying once my CV has a little more content. The job asks for the applicant to be passionate – mmm I thought ooo I am very passionate and am sure my boyfriend would give me a glowing reference but I kinda think I may have my wires crossed on that one so will emphasise on other relevant skills like good organisation, works well in a team…ahem yes I will have to exaggerate a little. I wonder if the circus is hiring at the moment…

So all is going well I am happy in my own little world…have a few rocky moments but they are short lived..I think being crazy a little helps with stress levels…small things don’t tend to bring crazy people down….only medication does that!

I was intending to write to The Jeremy Kyle show so I could have a DNA test on daughter to see if she did actually belong to me and wasn’t swapped at the hospital – until I noticed her eating habits…the ‘continuous eating habit’ kinda made me realise she did belong to me after all…which is good because when I do finally sell her I will be doing it legally. I am however concerned with her intelligence…as close friends and family know..she was shocked to find out just recently we don’t actually live inside planet earth and when we go into space we don’t actually have to break through the Earth’s crust – at 15 you would think she would know such facts and wonder if her little theories reflect on her upbringing…mmm. I was quite proud when she told me she had put her friend straight when friend asked how the fish survived when the canal was frozen – daughter did explain it was only a layer of ice on top..so proud she knew this fact!! Today she asked if crocodiles lived in the River Severn…I just ignored her…

Boyfriend is still on the scene so now I am thinking he probably is a mental patient…or maybe working undercover to gather evidence to prove my insanity and have me committed…either way I am enjoying the attention especially when it comes in the form of wine and creme eggs so I will make the most of it until I am finally sectioned. Only 3 weeks til we are off to London…I should start getting a little more serious with my dieting…I don’t really wanna be on the news for bringing the London Eye to a stand still or causing delays on the underground. I am very excited and counting the hours….currently 523 for those who are interested….I have no creme eggs left boyfriend if you are reading this and if you aren’t why aren’t you…

Best friend from the seaside is visiting tomorrow..Yay! She recently turned her 6 month old orange with the food she was feeding him – I am thinking it would be much cheaper than fake tan so have bought 3 tonne of carrots…she did however try to counteract it by giving him lots of green food…yes I know what your thinking…

should be interesting.

Right I am going to see what is of interest in the fridge as my diet starts tomorrow….mmmmm!

Diets Started 2010 : 363

Diets Started 2011 : 1

Time without food so far : Last Night when I was sleeping

Weighed in at : Bloody heavy

Loss so far : The will to live

Stalkers : They gave up

Boyfriends : 1

Yes I know its been a long time – 4 months to be exact. No doubt you have been praying for this day to come where I fill your head with mindless useless twoddle – My head seems to be overflowing with it and some of you probably took for granted I had been committed to a mental institution some time ago. I am still free but my sanity is always questionable, I was asked yesterday how mental I thought I was on a scale of one to ten – I said around 5 (average mad), apparently I would probably say 5 even if I thought I was a 10 and if not a 10 a traffic light. I have never really thought of myself as a traffic light but I know I am gonna worry about it at times now.

ANYWAY moving forward (as I am on green) I thought one of my new years resolutions could actually be to be a little less crazy – Its day 2 and I think I’m doing ok. I’ve also decided to be a little more health motivated – I only started this today so its hard to say how its going as I have only been up for an hour, I ate the fridge last night so there isn’t much to tempt me this morning and now nowhere to put my milk. I am cutting out cheese and cutting down on wine – I am not sure how this is gonna lie with the less crazy resolution as it may just tip me over the edge. I am determined tho to get fit and slim down my chunky butt – I am sure I hear my scales sobbing thro the night and I have to wear my jeans for a week before I can actually breathe in them – its time to change!

Talking of change I have a boyfriend – I know check me out in a relationship – he isn’t even a mental patient although I will let you know at the end of this year where he has been admitted…poor him. Can you even imagine what its like to be in a relationship with me – I wonder how much medication he takes before he sees me, I wonder if I have ever seen him sober or unmedicated (him that is not me)! He is very sweet… I like him a very much a lot (I have to be nice as he is probably reading this)…he is my best friend (I didn’t have to say that bit!!) and we have a good time – well I think he has a good time – it could just be the medication. He was going to take me to New York for Valentines – I thought he meant Franky and Benny’s so I was quite excited but he did actually mean proper New York – concrete jungle and all that, but so he can get me a much bigger present we have decided on London – yay – although he didn’t look enthusiastic about the Valentines trip on the London Eye – It was expensive but I kinda got the feeling the thought of being cooped up alone in a capsule for half an hour with me scared him a little…Be afraid. But yes I have a lovely boyfriend Yay! <3

Hang on I’m going to make myself a herbal tea…(coffee)

So what else is new – I had a nice Christmas although now I have the task of disposing of a 7 foot spruce…boyfriend did buy it for me so I thought now I don’t want it that it was only right he should have it back but he isn’t having any of it, I did try selling it on facebook but had no takers although son’s girlfriend did question me about it and probably would have bought it if son didn’t have his mothers sense. I am gonna kinda miss it – it gave my dining room a red glow and business picked up immensely! Daughter still resides with me (as she is only 15) and hasn’t really changed much although she did have a run in with ‘alcohol’ for about 3 hours….I don’t she will rush into it again and is lucky she wasnt grounded for life… I was out on my works do which was cut short due to her err shall we say falling ill while with friends at home – I was a little put out it wasnt me that had lost the ability to walk and my words were comprehendable  as it was my night out – least I didn’t wake with a hangover – daughter however had a three day one…she learnt a lot that day! Bless.

I have had two weeks off work… it wasnt really much different..I was just at home on facebook!!! Back to it tomorrow – I am so excited…ahem and not a good liar! I suppose I should seize my last afternoon and undecorate my house – mmm I wonder whats on TV….

Red Light has just come on…..

Hello…..testing one two, one two…Jeeze I’m doing my blog…. you’ve probably missed my wit, charm and unforgettable charisma …errrrrr ok so I’ve posted this blog on Facebook and you feel obliged to read it or you maybe you subscribed all those months back and now I am ‘SPAM’…yay! Stick with me oh ‘one fan’ who still checks me out every other day  (mom?).

Anyway I thought I would say Hi and tell you whats going down in my weird yet wonderful life….

On facebook I am now friends with…a cute pebble called Derek who is totally in love with me, wants me to have pebblets,  a sexy seagull called Kez recently come back, from the dead, married a seagull called Betty and is apparently the son of my best friend (human) and also a fluffy grey rabbit called flipflop who obviously isn’t liking English weather….. I am now questioning my sanity as many in the past have and have to agree with them all …I need help as I have a few mental issues…For helpful advice and guidance I have recently turned to the plant in my lounge who I will call ‘ lounge plant’ …. she has helped a lot and I look forward to our next therapy session.

Daughter still torments me…My makeup was disappearing by the day to the point the cat didn’t even meow at me.. as if I was some pale faced non makeup wearing stranger that obviously broke into the house to fill the cat dish up….but anyway I decided the only way forward was to hide it…my makeup not the cat.. In the airing cupboard, under the bed, Kitchen cupboards….If I ever became an alcoholic I would be a dab hand at hiding my vice….if  Daughter ever became an alcoholic I would find her stash every time I came to put a bit of eye liner on…mmmm wouldnt that go on wonky!! AND now she has suddenly took to raiding my wardrobe which was kind of a compliment at the start until she said ‘I wish your clothes were smaller mom’…errrr HELLO daughter you seriously don’t think I wish this too..why do you think I had that lettuce leaf for my tea!!!! Even tho she is looking a little like Alice Cooper at the moment I am very fond of her and not even cus I feel I need to be as I am her mother and all that but cus she rocks my world! At what age can she legally move into a cardboard box?

The Cat….is finally pregnant…either that or she has eaten something quite large…mmm thinking about it I am missing a large blusher brush..nah what sort of cat would eat a blusher brush…Hang on I should check the Airing cupboard…etc etc…HIC…mmm. Not sure when she is due but she is getting quite portly and every morning I come down expecting her to be wedged in the cat flap…bless her she has trouble climbing the stairs…yay I can finally have a glass of water by the side of my bed without worrying about cat tongue contamination! As for big cat….we thought he had gone off to die…he is so old and suddenly disappeared, I felt quite woeful for a few days thinking about the old times…it was quite sad… then one day after 4 days of mourning I came down to him snoozing in front of the microwave…bloody cat! I think once the kittens are born he will either do a runner or search for happier days…in the airing cupboard, under my bed…kitchen cupboards…Me..HIC..ow.

Pregnant Best friend who lived in Coventry has now moved to another planet near Plymouth where they still throw stones at airplanes and seagulls….for this reason I cant wait to visit and am trying to get my throwing arm into shape..I have hidden the childline number from daughter…I need to practise on someone!!  Her little man was born …2 months oldish now…smiling so a good little person to practise jokes on ….hopefully will go down sooooooooon, I wanna see what those Plymouth people have in their fridge and I will be Hank Marvin by the time I get there…a week by car and all that! I really need to practise my motorway driving but just the thought gives me a panic attack…breathe Lou breathe…

Work is same old…I still attend and occasionally have been known to participate in some graft in between food and coffee breaks. Chuckles has gone more part-time so don’t see her so much but I do have long and meaningful conversations with the office dog…no we don’t have a new girl it is actually a dog called tootsie…she doesnt tend to participate in our chats buts that’s how I like it, in fact she sleeps most of the time snoring very loudly – she should be a he!

So not much has changed I feel I am bordering on 100 % crazy and feel I should focus more as people think I have a very short attention span….ooooo a pen…

You just have to smile…

Days spent Dieting since last blog : one (whole one)

Need to lose half a stone : desperately

Time spent trying to lose half a stone : one day

Weight loss : one pound gained.

So here I am again, I have tried not to leave it so long this time…I am tired so if in this blog there is just a load of random letters I fell asleep on the keyboard and managed (as I am very clever on computers) to publish while asleep! Ok so I’m not so clever on computers as I recently discovered when Chuckles was on recently on holiday and I thought I would surprise her by sorting out her computer before she came back by deleting programs she didn’t use as it was being very slow (obviously male) mmm ok so I may have accidently deleted the main program that she used – it was an easy mistake and it could have happened to anyone…I hold my head in shame and will stick to facebook at work from now on as it’s the only thing I appear to do safely!

I seem to have developed a strong addiction to banana milk – one of my five a day? I want it all the time and when I havent got any I keep thinking about it…banana milk banana milk banana milk….mmmm its sooooo tasty and I definitely need a steady supply! I get withdrawal! I wonder what sort of cows supply banana milk…are they yellow? Maybe I’ll have a look on ebay or amazon or maybe even TKMaxx – they sell everything in there.

The gasman has visited the house this week and drank all my coffee, I was surprised he didn’t take his shoes off, put his feet up and have a sandwich  – he couldn’t fix my boiler. I now need a new one which meant I had to speak to my landlord who between me and you could win olympic medals in chatting, I can’t get a word in edgeways – at one point I put the phone on the arm of the sofa washed up and made myself a sandwich and ate it before returning to him still chatting away..bless him! He pointed out that when he chats he keeps saying the word ‘errm’, saying this once wasnt so bad but not only did he keep saying errm he commented on it every time – so a half hour conversation was taken up with 20 mins of errm discussion…errm he’s crazy! So yes new boiler being fitted tommorow…I miss my long soaks in the bath.

I had a coffee morning this afternoon with pregnant best friend and another friend I will call Vfestival friend as he pointed out today he was going to V Festival – I was surprised he hadn’t mentioned it …..well more than the 3 zillion times he has mentioned it on facebook – at one point my news feed was so full of V Festival I thought maybe he was my only friend – just kidding Mr Muffin Man – he did bring muffins today – mmm were they strawberry? – another of my five a day and what with the onion bhaji’s I decided to breakfast on I’m over halfway to getting all five – yes I know what your thinking I ooze class! So yes pregnant friend looks very pregnant and I was glad she sat on the sofa slowly as I was sat on the other end of it and the thought of being catapulted through the lounge ceiling was scaring me a little… each time she got up to have a little walk around Mr Muffin Man was concerned she was going into labour and I am sure if she had got up once more he would pull a pair of forceps out of one pocket and a funsize can of gas and air out of the other! – he was also very concerned the only birthing plan she had been the fact she knew what hospital she was giving birth in…I think she is just gonna go with the flow! She does intend to drive ‘herself’ to the hospital if she is alone when she goes into labour…I do hope she doesn’t go into labour when I stop next week – It will take me 3 days to drive to the hospital due to my allergy to Coventry Roads and if she drives under the influence of contractions they would have to admit me for trauma and shock!!

Right I suppose I should get some sleep – did you know once a man slept all night with his hand held in the air, when he woke up and realised his hand was in the air he relaxed it…his hand fell on and broke his nose…yes just a useless bit of trivia you can share with your friends – you heard it here first!!

I need some banana milk to take to bed…. zzzzzzz

Days since my last blog : I’m embarrassed!

Daughters sold/given away since my last blog : Zero

Daughters still residing with me : One

Daughter’s Boyfriends continuously eating my food : One

Adverts on Ebay for “Sweet Young Couple” : One

Weight lost since last blog : 1.5 oz

Chocolate consumed since last blog : Just call me Mrs Willy Wonka!

Amount of  “work” done at work since last blog : Don’t be ridiculous!!

Stalkers/Romeos/Prince Charmings : Ridiculously Complicated!

So here I am…blogging, Yes yes yes I know I’ve not been here for quite a while… for that one person that seems to have checked my blog every other day  for the last err ‘long time’ subscribe ok…then your email will let you know when I have updated..oh that isn’t a ploy to get any other readers to subscribe by the way, it was just  for my biggest fan whoever you are … thank you your dedication …it has been recognised …oh unless you have given up now and you’re not even reading this…for god sake call yourself  fan!!!

So time has flown..I started writing my blog when there wasnt too much else going on in my life…..I must have gotta life..always seem a little tied up with other things…Yay. There has been times when I have wanted to blog but as some of my friends know I have no ‘g’ and ‘h’ at present on my laptop keyboard as I spilt water on it…Twas a little embarrassing when I told funsize friend after a visit to her house I had far too much choc at her house that afternoon, unfortunately she didn’t read it as it was sent and spent the next hour looking under her beds and in her wardrobes for a man..mmmm!

So…I would say daughter still steals my makeup but I have none and what little I do have I hide…please dont tell her! She is going strong with her boyfriend…well he comes to eat the contents of my fridge every week and milkshake seems to have appeared on my shopping list (not in my writing) on a regular basis.. I am contemplating sending his parents an invoice for his keep…is this wrong? I think I should at least be entitled to his child benefit…I think I will look into it as since she has been seeing him her mascara application has somewhat increased dramatically…the child is obsessed – I have witnesses and photographic evidence!  I wont say anymore on the matter as apparently she isn’t here for ‘entertainment’…I do actually beg to differ as other than creating washing, hogging my laptop, demanding food and stealing all my crockery and cutlery to hide somewhere in her room..she IS here for entertainment!!

I am still rubbish at dieting and always will be..I have now accepted I am a little lardy, I do have thin days…ususally when I am sleeping but they do exist! I need more exercise and am thinking of taking up pole dancing…no honestly I am serious…they are starting classes where I have my hair done…I can only imagine how cool I will look wrapped around that pole….I will ooze complete stupidity.. just be a normal day (not the wrapped around the pole thing you understand) but it is meant to be a good form of exercise..or I could just be a normal person and join the gym…pole dancing or gym pole dancing or gym pole dancing or gym…mmmm!

Work is same old thing…just turn up really occasionally with a bit of input every now and again, when I grow up maybe I will get a proper job…. grow up…oh please! Me and Chuckles are still going strong – girl power and all! She did decide to holiday recently for two weeks – I thought very inconsiderate of her but after all the hard work and committment she puts in to the company she deserves a break…..

I’m still hyper hyper and seem to smile a lot and laugh a lot which is always welcoming! I have cool friends…pregnant friend from that far away land called Coventry is just about to drop…well she has 4 weeks left bless her…hopefully they will have the hospital doors widened before she gets there..(I’m joking) I am visiting first week in June which is VERY close to the birthdate…I am very excited as delivering a baby is a must in my life…I have all the qualifications now as I watch Eastenders! Even if I don’t deliver it will be nice to take her to hospital…as she is my best friend she can share the drugs and we can get high together…Yay! Love you Weeble! I met up with a friend from a long time ago…that has been one of the highlights to my year so far…makes you realise how you don’t actually know a person til you get to know them properly..takes you by surprise…a nice warm feeling!

Love life is a little complicated and always will be I reckon..maybe its just me? I’ve stopped searching for  Romeo to my Juliet, Prince Charming to my Cinderella, Homer to my Marge…

I feel melancholy……………

Days til full moon : 12

Stalker : Zero (He’s on holiday – altho any decent stalker would even stalk when holidaying)

Flower Buyer : One

Daughters in ‘a relationship’ : One

Daughters locked in their bedroom : One

My current Relationship Status : Weird

Happy Birthdays : Big Sister

Successful diets currently being tested : Zero

Clothes that need to be bigger : All of them

This weeks addictions : Chocolate, Coffee, Wine, avocado’s and other really healthy stuff.

Today’s mood : Hyper Happy.

Weather outside : Coldish

Weather under my duvet : Toasty

So a good start to my day in the shape of burnt toast – yum! Nimble is so badly made and so thin you only have to go towards the toaster and it burns….sigh! Little cat has just jumped on the bed seemingly smelling of marmite which kinda makes me think I bought the wrong cat food or I have left the top off the marmite jar in the kitchen. Note to self : Buy new marmite!

Time has gone so quickly since my post last week I can’t even remember what I’ve done – have I partied so hard that the last week has been a blurry blank or did I not party at all so blank all has happened…mmm its a close one! I think I am well over due a night out – hopefully this will be rectified at some point over the weekend starting with a few tipples with chuckles on Friday which will be a nice start! So last weekend errrr errrrr mmm I think I had a lazy weekend where nothing out of the ordinary happened – of course it was mothers day and I was woken to breakfast in bed ahhhh how sweet – actually that’s a lie I actually text daughter from my pit asking where my pressie was – I waited patiently until she emerged with a rather large box of Thorntons Chocolates that obviously doubled as my breakfast in bed – the toast and jam option doesn’t make me feel so sick so will stick to that one in future but it was nice all the same! Then of course I relaxed for the rest of the day being pampered etc yeah right – I was a taxi service for daughter and then shopped and cleaned and cooked for my mother and oh got a little tipsy – yay bonus!!

So then my working week started with a slight headache! But after a few coffees or ten I was well in the swing of life well swingish! I am actually going through a life stage where I don’t find Mondays too bad which is good – for me anyway. Work seems quiet which is AWAYS a good thing as Chuckles and I have more time to catch up on gossip and chat about the  serious things going down in our lives – usually men and food – even the boss comes and joins in now and again – we take it in turns to analyse our loves and losses and then its open for discussion….I work at such a weird place, maybe that’s why I fit in so well!

So Tuesday bought a bombshell from makeup stealing daughter – we were both lay chilling when suddenly out of the blue she mutters the words ‘by the way I am seeing someone’ mmmm at first I thought she meant in a therapist sort of way and a whole list compiled in my head in seconds of the way I have failed her as a mother – too many chicken dippers was high up on the list BUT then realised she meant a ‘boy’……. obviously I did already know this information as although not a friend I do frequent her facebook profile to see whats going down – mmm I wonder if the ‘my daughter has a boyfriend life stage’ will ruin my not too bad Mondays – hope not! So the ‘boyfriend’ was meant to visit last night but was ill – mmm I’m sure I made that excuse quite recently too – I was looking forward to meeting him and to see if  he was anywhere close to normal and if he was then was intrigued to know what has attracted to him my alien of a daughter…of course I’m joking he obviously probably just wants to copy her homework. (between me and you he should steer away from her English homework if he wants any chance of passing his exams) So anyway she’s gone to his house today after school and his father is going to drop her off later  – I wonder if father will come to the door…mmm maybe I should make myself more presentable and lay off the wine til he’s gone!

Sooooooo…I’ve had a nice day off – met the loon at Frankie and Bennys – yes I said Frankie and Bennys – are you surprised – really? Mmm. A little bit of shopping for one of her bedrooms – how I like to help her spend her money, I think last time we went shopping she probably needed a second job to pay off her credit card bill – oh well! I bought my sister a birthday present and then it was off home to do house work, well that was the plan but ended up at funsize’s house for a coffee or two – can I just point out I did make the coffee myself – her hosting skills aren’t too hot and she didn’t even offer me a chocolate biscuit – maybe she couldn’t find the stool she stands on to reach the kettle or biscuit cupboard! I love you funsize!

So..the day has progressed… a glass of wine or 2 and a very very very sad film..’My sisters Keeper’ ….who makes films so sad…my tears were literally running down my cheeks onto my shoulder and running down my arm into a puddle on the floor….a duck and a couple of swans could have happily floated around in my tear pond – I could even have hired out rowing boats and opened a fish farm – the extra cash would have come in handy! Anyway luckily I hadn’t blubbed too much before daughter came back from ‘her boyfriends’…. the boy in question walked daughter to the door…she intoduced him… I said the first thing that nervously came into my head … ‘Hello…have you hotwired a car to bring my daughter home’…mmmm I was obviously joking…his hands went in his pockets, he swayed a little  and replied ‘Err no my dad is down there’…I half waved at his dad, boyfriend smiled and daughter said ‘bye then’ scurried into the house while muttering under her breath ‘you are so embarrassing mom’  -  I think she forgave me quickly as she was high on ‘young love?’ mmm but anyway all was good!

So now I’m in bed…..looking forward to catching up with Chuckles after my day off then celebrating my sister’s birthday tomorrow night…yay.

I so need to sleep……….and dream….mmmm

Remember me!!

Yay – its Thursday and I’m not at work – Oh the joy. I’ve took the day off to paint my lounge in preparation for the arrival of sofas next week! I’ve obviously started the day well as I’m sat in bed with laptop and breakfast mmm I thought I would catch up on my blog throughout the day in my coffee breaks – I have a lot of coffee breaks so this could be a lengthy one – maybe you should get a drink before you start to read and maybe a chocolate bar or banana for energy and you should maybe have a wee…so the rambling starts! Oh dear maybe I shouldnt have logged into facebook…chat chat chat! I NEED TO PAINT – stop talking to me people – and you chuckles should be working – get off facebook!!

Coffee break 1 – Who am I kidding its 11am and I havent even started!

So…had a nice chilled weekend, spent most of it with daughter even tho she’s a bit weird and always seems to cost me loads of money. I can’t seem to even pop and get some food shopping without taking out a loan for the stuff she puts in the trolley – maybe I should start leaving her at home when I shop! I need a second job and third and fourth – do they always move out when they are 16 – never before? I did ask my ex boyfriend as he was close to being a step father if he could pay maintenance for her…..he didnt seem too enthused about the idea so wont count on that income!

Coffee break 2 – I’m cream crackered but its looking nice whoop whoop.

Lunch Break – I sat down too long – it made me hungry!

So Tuesday found me on the train heading north across the border to the land of Coventry to see Pregnant Best Friend! She is looking blooming at 25 weeks – I felt so thin. Note to self : visit more often! At the beginning of her pregnancy she was so ill she didn’t eat anything – now she eats everything that’s edible – I ate my dinner quickly just so she didn’t move in on my plate – it would be so difficult to punch a pregnant woman for stealing your food especially if she was to sit on you! I was staying over – she’s usually asleep at 8 so I was lucky we stayed up til 10 – Party animals! We only stayed up this ‘late’ as she wanted to watch one born every minute which is about woman giving birth – why would she want to watch this horror movie. She now wants another way to get the baby out but between you and me she doesn’t have many options…mmm! Wednesday Morning was spent at the hospital – no she hadn’t gone into labour she was just having blood taken which she doesn’t handle too well so I was there to quite literally hold her hand – I think the nurse thought we made a lovely couple – bless! She got through it without fainting, throwing up or crying… Then it was off to my old favorite Franky and Benny’s for breakfast – Coventry not Kidderminster so twas a new experience. As fats was rather hungry she did inform the waiter she was pregnant and needed to eat asap so to tell the chef to get busy – I think he feared for his arm as she was licking her lips when he took away the menu’s. It came in minutes so it was one we were gonna have to pay for…sigh! A visit to the midwife (for fats not me as altho carrying a few pounds I’m not pregnant) and I was homeward bound – It had been a lovely visit..thankyou fatso!

Coffee break 3 – I’m impressed apart from the spiders I painted over my walls are looking cool!! Stupid spiders should run faster I havent got time to mess around – I did start to think that maybe I should have decobwebed before I started!

Most people take the day off work to go out for the day – maybe the zoo – I take a day off to paint my lounge! I do like painting, I find it  relaxing and very satisfying well when I finally got started, it was a slow morning but once I got into it my roller flowed! I do actually look like a human paint brush and really don’t know how I got so much on myself – it’s probably a good job I didn’t attempt the ceiling – heaven knows what i would have looked like! As I am a woman I did multitask and cooked dinner for funsize friend and was the perfect host while I finished off my painting! I nearly asked her to help but knew she wouldn’t be able to reach the higher bits – like the skirting board! Instead she sat on the sofa stuffing her face with dairy milk chocolate which I thought was safe as she was diabetic…mmm I should of hid it!! So it’s all finished and looking much brighter I’m very pleased with myself.

I feel quite cream crackered now so time for my bed – I think I need a holiday – don’t start work til one tomorrow so I can have a nice easy morning – yay!  But saying that I’m so tired I may sleep til Sunday so daughter if you don’t hear from me…

I’ll see you Sunday…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz